April 2, 2024 • 28 mins
In today’s episode, we kick off “Asking for a Friend,” The Bright Side’s new friendship advice segment. Danielle and Simone are joined by friendship coach Danielle Bayard Jackson, who answers listener questions and teaches us how to strengthen our bonds. If you have a friend dilemma, send us a voice message at hello@thebrightside.com. We might use it next time! Plus, Are you more of a black cat or a Golden Retriever when it comes to relationships? Danielle and Simone discuss what it means to be with a partner who brings that lovable, playful “Golden Retriever Energy.”
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hello from the bright Side, Hello Sunshine.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Today on the show, we're fueling up on friendship. We're
deep diving with friendship expert and coach Danielle Bayer Jackson.
She's sharing three ways we can strengthen our bonds, the
amazing health benefits we get from sisterhood, and she drops
some major gems on how we can all be a
better friend.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Speaking of friends, Sharon Dion, Rachel and Monica, Hillary and
Ashley Banks. We love a good on screen sisterhood, but
today we're revealing the most unexpected famous friend pairings in
real life. It's a game we're calling homies or don't
know me. It's Tuesday, April second. I'm Simone Boyce.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
I'm Danielle Robe and this is the bright Side from
Hello Sunshine. Tell me what you did last night. We
usually we get to talk on the phone at night,
and I didn't get to talk to you.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
You know what, My weekends, my nights lately have been
very uneventful, and that's okay because I'm busier than ever,
and so I think I'm really enjoying just the normalcy
of those periods.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
M Normal is so underrated, it really is.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
I totally agree how about you.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
My Monday was actually more eventful than usual. Usually I
like to take it easy on Monday and Friday nights.
But I went to dinner with a girlfriend who's about
to be an author. She's coming out with a book
this summer, and so she gave me her proof copy
and I spent the whole night reading it. And then
you know what I did. This is my secret, little
magic moment of joy. I went to get a foot massage.
(01:38):
It's one of those places where there's like twenty beds
and you all get a foot massage in front of
each other and there's.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
A little curtain in between each one. Oh, this doesn't
have a curtain, Okay, so you're just you're out there together.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Oh my god, I carry all my stress in my feet,
my feet in my hands. I was so joyful.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Listen, foot massage sex. I mean it's really tight there.
It's their neck And for me, I told you, are
you the same way? Oh my gosh, a foot massage.
I love getting foot massages. I also will roll up
for like a cheap and dirty foot massage, even at
the nail salon. I'll just stop by soak my feet
in that tub and get I'll be like, twenty dollars
(02:14):
for twenty minutes, hook me up, yes.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
And then I want an extra five minutes after. It's
never enough time. It's never enough time, you know my mom.
I remember when I was a little girl. My mom
used to be like, I think I'm done with heels.
I'm just gonna wear sneakers or your sandals all the time.
And I looked at her and I'm like, you are
giving up. Why would you ever be done with heels.
I'll never be like that. And I am so done
(02:37):
with heels. I can't even tell you. I'm living in sneakers.
This is why I need a foot massage all the time.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
Totally done with heels. I just got a pair of
those Adidas Sambas. That's gonna be my new go to
shoe now. Oh, I like that. When you were talking
about your mom and that memory from growing up, it
reminded me my aunt Monica. She used to pay me
and my cousins a dollar to give her a foot massage.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
That is so familial. There's somebody in every family who
does this.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
Yes, she was such a hustler too. She was such
an entrepreneur, so that made a lot of sense she
would kind of like gamify the foot massage and find
like a business angle to teach us about business and entrepreneurship.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
But that is funny. Yeah, well, I guess we can't
spend the whole episode talking about feet, should we get
into it?
Speaker 1 (03:24):
I did not expect for this to be our foot episode,
but I guess it's a good time as any. Let's
get into it though.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
Okay, we have a funny topic to discuss today, and
it's all over the internet. So Golden Retriever boyfriends and husbands?
Do you have one? Do you want one? TikTok defines
a Golden Retriever boyfriend as someone who is trusting, who
is kind, who's unashamed of his feelings, takes a playful
approach to life, full of positivity, loves PDA, and really
(03:55):
just has the qualities of America's quintessential dog. It gives
me ken from Barbie. I think of Travis Kelcey, Taylor
Swift's boyfriend. They're both giving me Golden Retriever energy.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
Golden Retriever energy. This is such a funny conversation. You know,
for the longest I thought that I was married to
a golden Retriever husband. But I just realized I'm the
golden Retriever in the relationship. What do you mean, I'm
the golden Retriever. I'm the I'm the effervescent, energetic one.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
Because you're the likable one. Is Michael not like it?
Speaker 1 (04:28):
No, don't say that.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
He's very likable, but that's part of it.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
No wait, really, no, I don't want to say that
he is. He's so kind and nice and likable and
gets along with everyone, So don't get me wrong there.
But I'm just the more energetic, bombastic like I've got it.
I'm hyper. I'm like a hyper Golden Retriever puppy.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
You're the happy, go lucky pogo stick.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
Yes, okay, well said, Well said. There's this other phenomenon,
the blackcat girlfriend. Have you heard about this.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Well, that's the usually the person who's married or partnered
with the golden retriever. So like you can only really
have one Golden Retriever in the relationship. The other person
has to kind of take more of a back seat,
is what they're.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
Saying, right, The black eyed girlfriend has to compliment the
other person, so they're a bit more antisocial, calm quiet,
which gets to this age old theory of opposites attracting.
Do you think that that's true.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
I do think that a lot of people partner looking
to complete themselves, so we look for things that we
don't have. It's sort of like this natural instinct. I
usually do partner with my opposite. Is Michael your opposite?
Speaker 1 (05:35):
Yeah? We do contrast each other in a lot of ways.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
There has to be some overlap, like you need similarities
in values. Maybe even like some similar interests would be nice.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
I think it's a contrast in energies that has to
happen right more well, because it's like you said, if
you both have that really hyper Golden Retriever energy, that's
probably going to be a lot and you might drain
each other.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
I don't know were you thinking, because you're the golden Retriever.
So what's Michael?
Speaker 1 (06:05):
He's more, he has more black cat energy. He has
that he has that calm, quiet, level headed energy. Are
you Are you attracted to a Golden Retriever man?
Speaker 2 (06:16):
Not really. I do like somebody who's enthusiastic about life,
but I'm more of a low key person and so
if someone has too much energy, it's just not a
match for me. I was thinking about what I do, Like,
I think I decided I either want a German shepherd
or a labordoodle. And I'm gonna tell you why.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
Yeah, tell me why? Tell me more about that.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
Okay, So German shepherds are large dogs. I don't need
somebody tall. I would like somebody, you know, like I'm
five to one, just taller than me. Wise, that's not
too much task, not too much task. Intelligent. I love
a smart man. They form close bonds with their owners,
and they're hard workers, like they're serve dogs are in
(07:00):
the military. They assist, which I love like a man
of service. Is so beautiful to me.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
I'm just laughing at how seriously you're taking this dog
breed partner conversation.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
Wait, the best part is that they're athletic, and I
was like, yeah, I need somebody who wants to work
out with me.
Speaker 1 (07:17):
Wait, okay, so I have more about that. That's really
funny that you mention it, because there was this hilarious
article in The New Yorker comparing celebrities to dog breeds.
They said that Michael B. Jordan is like a Belgian shepherd,
which is just like a German shepherd, so highly athletic.
They said that Ryan Gosling is an Australian shepherd because
he has gorgeous eye and an ability to follow specific commands.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
So I guess it does what Eva Mendez tells him
to do.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
I guess. And also he's really talented. He has all
these different skill sets. He can sing, he can dance,
he can act. Kevin Hart is a Chiuahua.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
I don't find him nippy like a chihuahua.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
He is a little bit if you see it in
his stand up. Really, yes, that is funny.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
He has that little.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Yippy, yeppie diminutive.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
Think they're just saying because he's kind of small, so
they're calling him a chuaha, which is not fair. I
stand for all the small people.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
I love Kevin Hart so much. He owns it though,
you know, does he really owns it?
Speaker 2 (08:14):
Yeah? He does.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
And then this article compares Killian Murphy to a cat.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
I'm to think, like, who's a poodle, who's a Doberman pincher?
Speaker 1 (08:25):
Yeah, I don't know that. I want that Doberman pincher
energy in my life.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
Yeah, they're like the guard dogs of the late nineteenth century.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Thank you for that. Danielle In our hosting relationship as workwives.
Who has more Golden Retriever energy? Is it you or
is it me?
Speaker 2 (08:43):
I feel like we need the producers to weigh in
on this. We need the paticles.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
What do you think I'm gonna say it's me, just
because I have that everywhere I go.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
I was gonna say it was you too.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
Yeah, I think you're.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
Bouncy, You're fun, You're very fun too, king But I'm
a lot. I know, I think I'm a lot. It's
something that is always in the back of my mind.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
So, you know, all over the internet people say that
if you think you're too much, the other people around
you are too little. I don't think you're too much
at all.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Love. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
Okay, So if I'm the Golden Retriever, then what are you?
Speaker 2 (09:16):
I think that makes me the black cat.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
She's wearing all black today.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
I want to be a labradoodle. Okay, Can I just
be a labradoodle?
Speaker 1 (09:25):
I feel like labradoodles and Golden Retrievers would be best buds.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
I think so they're playful. You know, they like long walks.
I like a walk a day, love a good walk.
My parents always walked after dinner, and now I always
feel like I want a partner that's going to walk with.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
Me a constitutional yes. Yeah, maybe we should instead of
calling them hot girl walks, we should just take ourselves
for a dog walk.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
I can't believe you said that, because one of my
best friends lives six blocks from me. Uh huh, and
sometimes I call her and I say, hey, can you
walk the dog? Being me, I'm the dog because it's
so funny. I can't get out of my apartment, like
I'll just work on my computer all night, and I'm like,
can you please come walk the dog.
Speaker 3 (10:09):
I'm dying.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
I'm dying.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
Okay, besties, we need you to settle this score. Who
has more Golden Retriever energy? Is it Danielle or is
it me? Let us know at hello At the brightsidepodcast dot.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
Com wloofwoof After the Break, friendship expert Danielle Buyer Jackson
is hanging out with us. She's given us her tips
on how to be a better bff.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
Stick with us. Okay, bright Side besties, I am so
excited to introduce you to Asking for a Friend, where
we are gonna be answering your biggest, most burning questions
about friendship, whether that's creating new connections, fostering existing ones,
(10:59):
or navigating conflict.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
Yikes here to help us. Dig In is one of
my favorite you know what, she's not one of MI.
She is my favorite expert in this space. And she's
a fellow. Danielle, Danielle Bayer Jackson is here. She's a
friendship coach and host of the podcast friend Forward. So Danielle, welcome.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Hello.
Speaker 3 (11:18):
I'm so happy to be here.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
We have been talking about you for weeks now. We
have been Our whole office has been so excited to
get you on the show. I think we have plenty
to talk about, plenty of questions for you.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
I didn't know that everybody had so many friend issues.
Oh yeah, no, wonder you have a job. I get it.
Speaker 3 (11:34):
That's right. It pays the bills, I'll tell you that.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
But you weren't always a friendship coach. You started out
as a teacher, so I'm curious as to how you
journeyed into this new title. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (11:45):
So, I actually started out as a high school teacher,
and I was working with seniors and it's the number
one thing they wanted to talk about between classes and
after school was the friendship drama. And then I became
the academic chair, and so the teachers who were in
my department, they were talking about, how can we solve,
you know, all the drama that's getting in the way
of the learning in the classroom. And so after six years,
(12:06):
I left the classroom and I got into public relations.
So suddenly I'm working with these charismatic, high achieving women
and it wasn't long before I realized that they too,
privately had their friendship issues where they weren't feeling seen
and satisfied. So that's why I kind of got curious
about what research was available to help us understand women's connection.
(12:27):
And so for the past six years, I've been leveraging
my background and education to study with the research has
to say about women's connection and conflict.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
Tell me about what friendship means in your life.
Speaker 4 (12:37):
You know, you can't do this work and not have
it directly impact or personal relationships. And I'll tell you this,
I think the way that it's impacted me most is
I think it's made me braver because I'm learning that
a lot of us are scared of rejection. I'm learning
about the benefits and so being equipped with that technical
knowledge makes me bolder in my relationships, to pursue new friends,
(12:59):
to appology, to declare if I want more connection with
existing friends, and so I'm so appreciative to have this
knowledge impact my life in such a personal way.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Danielle knows that I love to nerd out about science,
So can I get nerdy with you about the data here? Okay? Okay, great.
So I want to know more about the health benefits
of female friendship. And also I'm curious if you've come
across any research about at what age do women report
having the most satisfaction in their friendships.
Speaker 4 (13:28):
Well, say this, There are a bunch of benefits, but
a couple that really blow my mind is a lot
of us are familiar with the concept of fight or
flight as responses to stress. Well, they did that study again,
this time with women, and they found that we have
two more responses tend or befriend. Yeah, so when we're
facing distress, we might either go and tend to those
(13:48):
who are more vulnerable and care for them, or go
and gather with other women. It decreases our stress hormone,
increases oxytocin, and so it's quite literally helpful to go
and gab with your girls when you're freaking out. You
know it has these impacts, and having quality relationships overall
just contributes to your longevity and your overall life satisfaction. Now,
(14:09):
in terms of what age where we start to feel
most satisfied, I do know that the research shows that
your social network grows and grows until about the age
of twenty six, at which point it begins to decrease.
But in terms of like a point where you'll feel
fulfilled and happy, I don't know that it's one particular age,
but I do know the more that you commit to
growing and to evolving and you get intentional about your
(14:33):
platonic relationships, I think that's when we'll start to kind
of catch a rhythm and feel a little more confident
about those relationships.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
Okay, so I want to talk about the flip side
of this, which is friendship conflict friendship issues. You have
said that there is one main overarching theme that all
issues revolve around.
Speaker 4 (14:51):
So something that I hear pretty commonly is about are
you as invested as I am? And for women especially,
we really place a lot of emphasis on reciprocity and
mutual prioritization, Meaning I want to feel like if you're
my number one girl. I want to feel like I'm
you see me the same way, and I want to
feel like if I'm pouring in, you're doing as much
as me. And so you know, typically, you know, if
(15:14):
somebody's giving me some kind of grievance about their friendships,
it's somewhere in the realm of.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
A lack of balance and equality in that way.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Oh my gosh, it's me. It's me. You guys, what
do you mean? Which one are you? I'm her, I
would I'm the friend. I'm the friend who thinks about reciprocity.
I get I get bothered if I feel like I'm
investing a lot in a friendship and I'm not getting
a lot back. And I think that can manifest in
a lot of different ways, like if if I'm always
(15:43):
the one reaching out, if I feel like I'm being
really intentional about connecting with you and I'm not getting
that in return, or let's say, if if we schedule
things and you always flake like that's going to be
a big deal for me.
Speaker 3 (15:54):
Yeah, you're You're not alone.
Speaker 4 (15:55):
It's like the number one thing, because you know, none
of us wants to feel foolish for like in this
by ourselves, or that she doesn't care as much, you know.
So I've definitely felt that way about certain friends where
you get suspicious because either you're pouring in maybe like
of your time, of your emotional support. Yeah, you feel like, Okay,
I'm always listening to your stuff, you know, so you're
definitely not alone. And I think reciprocity is something that
(16:18):
we are hungry for for sure.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
Can I ask you a question about that? Is it
really about expectations or reciprocity both.
Speaker 4 (16:27):
It starts with expectations, because the research does show that
women tend to have higher expectations in their close relationships,
both platonic and romantic. But it's only kind of compounded
by the fact that we often don't communicate it because
we feel like we shouldn't have to. I always joked
that if I had a dollar for how many times
women said Danielle, I should not have to say that
I need X y Z. That should be obvious. But
(16:47):
that is a relationship killing myth that your friends just
ought to know. And so if you feel like you
desire more from a friend, whatever that looks like, you
want to be careful to package it more as an
invitation instead of an accusation, Oh that's good, you know.
So instead of like, well you know you don't call me,
maybe it's just like, hey, I know the last couple
of times we went out, I was giving you suggestion
(17:08):
for where I wanted to go.
Speaker 3 (17:09):
But you know, I would love to hear from you
what you want.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
To do, an invitation, not an accusation.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
Can you give us a template for having hard conversations?
Speaker 4 (17:19):
Yes, So I'd first like to say, if you feel
weird about conflict, it might start with the reframe. Depending
on how you were raised or what the culture of
conflict was in your home, you might be very scared.
But I need you to see it as an opportunity
to meet a need.
Speaker 3 (17:34):
So it's a good thing.
Speaker 4 (17:35):
And the research tells us that on the other side
of healthy conflict, people report feeling closer. So hey, it's
a prerequisite to platonic intimacy. So tangibly, it looks like
four steps. One you lead with vulnerability. So you might
open by saying the very reason you're reluctant to have
the conversation. That might look like, Hey, I have something
(17:55):
I wanted to talk to you about, but the last
thing I want is for things to be weird between us.
The second thing is to highlight the impact of her
behavior instead of the behavior. So I might say, hey,
when you share things that I told you, it makes
me feel really uneasy and question you like trustwise, and
I don't like feeling that way, So I'm highlighting the impact. Finally,
I ask questions, and so I might to say, like, hey,
(18:17):
what's going on. Finally, you're going to end by collaborating
on what you're going to do differently moving forward, so
everybody can feel a sense of security and knowing that
next time we'll be better.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
I love that template that you just laid out. It
makes it so easy, especially for me, someone who having
hard conversations doesn't come easily for me.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Well, we're not the only ones that want to learn
from you. We actually had some listener's message and they
have questions for you too. So are you ready for these?
Speaker 3 (18:43):
I'm so ready. Let's do it.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
I feel like a lot of us can relate to
this one. I used to have a friend I was
really close to, but we kept having conversations about how
I felt like I was reaching out more than she was.
I just felt like she wasn't showing up the way
I wanted her to. So I finally asked for space,
and now it's been months of not really top How
do you know if you should revive the friendship or
just let it die, especially if it hasn't had a
(19:06):
proper death signed grieving.
Speaker 4 (19:09):
That's so such a powerful question because I know we've
all been there. If you're trying to figure out whether
or not to rekindle or revive a friendship. The first
reason I like to pose to women to explore that
is if something has changed since the last time you
were friends, because sometimes we get to missing her and
she's familiar and we want her company again because we
love her. But if nothing has changed since the first
(19:30):
time you stepped away, then I would encourage you to
look at that right And also, has enough time pass
where people have gained perspectives, So what's going to be
different this time around? And does everybody have the necessary
data to move forward? So if you still have some
issues that you were upset about, but you plan on
re engaging her without communicating that information, I just don't
(19:51):
see how things would be better the second time around.
Speaker 2 (19:53):
I had a friendship I put to bed one time,
and the question I asked myself, was every time I
call this person or she calls me, do I get
energy or do I feel drained? And if nine out
of ten times I felt drained? You know, because everybody
goes through stuff, so you got to be thoughtful about that.
But if it's if it's all the time, it's just
(20:14):
not for me anymore. And it's tough to put a
friendship to bed. I like that question nine nights. Okay,
not tough for someone, Okay, Danielle, this is my favorite
question of the day. Over the past four years, one
of my closest friends has become increasingly politically active. She's
supporting a candidate whom I strongly disagree with on a
fundamental level. I don't want our political differences to drive
(20:37):
a wedge between us, But at the same time, I'm
finding it increasingly difficult to engage with her without feeling
like this is a values issue. How can I navigate
this situation without jeopardizing our relationship or compromising my own
beliefs signed politically parted?
Speaker 4 (20:54):
Oh, I feel for her, and I know that more
of us were going to experience that in an increasingly
divisive political season.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
I'll say this, it sounds.
Speaker 4 (21:04):
Nice and fluffy to say, you know, well, sometimes we
just agree to disagree and you maintain the friendship.
Speaker 3 (21:09):
And I like that sentiment.
Speaker 1 (21:10):
I do.
Speaker 4 (21:11):
But if you start to realize that the difference is
something where it feels like it's a threat to your
actually said identity or humanity, and your world views are
so different that it feels like you'd be somehow compromising
your sense of self to maintain this friendship, then I
don't think that makes it a superficial reason to withdraw.
So always start by saying, is there a way that
we can set boundaries around certain discussions or behaviors and
(21:33):
still engage in and this friendship still adds some kind
of value to my life. But if you're unable to
contain those differences in that way and it has you
feeling resentful, it has you feeling devalued, unappreciated, unaffirmed, then
I think it's totally valid to want to withdraw from
a friendship like that.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
This is a tough one.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
Do you feel about it? This has actually happened to me.
I've been on the receiving end of a friendship breakup
because of something that I posted and my friend didn't
actually address why she cut off the relationship. She just
basically ghosted ended communications. And it was tough because we
had moved to a new area and they were our
(22:13):
only friends in the area. But in the end, it
revealed a lot more about her than anything else, that
she didn't have the maturity to have the conversation, and
also that she she didn't have room for nuance. And
I hear what you're saying. I do think that today,
in today's day and age, it is becoming increasingly difficult
to have friendships with people who seemingly are really far
(22:36):
apart from us on values. But I also think it's
unrealistic to have a circle of friends where you agree
with everyone on every single thing. I think that's impossible.
Speaker 4 (22:44):
And I'm sorry that happened to you, because that's so
like devastating and jarring, right and hurtful. If you trust
somebody and then they leave, you start to think, gosh, well,
what did this friendship mean to you? And I want
to clarify. I do think we should start with curiosity, Hey,
why do you believe the way you do? And honestly,
a person's more likely to change their mind when they
see new world views from a friend, like somebody in
(23:05):
my intimate circle. That's going to get me thinking about
things differently. But if you do find that you know,
they're saying and doing things that make you feel like, gosh,
you disrespect you know me and the group I belong to?
Do you even see me or respect me? Then those
are the kinds of things that at some point some
might feel like, Okay, this is something I just I
can't sanely maintain.
Speaker 3 (23:24):
But it is tricky. It's tricky all around.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
And I don't know that there's one clear cut answer.
It gave such a beautiful answer, but I really think
it is situationally dependent.
Speaker 2 (23:35):
We're going to take a quick break, but when we
come back, we're putting our guests celebrity friendship knowledge to
the test with a little game we're calling homies or
don't know Me?
Speaker 1 (23:44):
Stick with us, all right. We want to take advantage
of having friendship guru Danielle Bayer Jackson with us today.
So we're gonna play a game where we guess unex
expected celebrity friendships without further ado. Let's get into a
(24:04):
round of homies or don't know Me? You ready, Danielle,
I'm so ready? Yes, here's how this is gonna work.
This is multiple choice, So I'm gonna give you a
few choices and then you have to answer the question.
All right, So first up, who is best friends with
Dolly Parton? Is it A Sylvester Stallone, B, Timothy Shallome, C,
(24:25):
Diane Keaton or d Selena Gomez?
Speaker 3 (24:29):
Oh? Wow, all those shock me. I'm gonna I'm gonna
go with d E.
Speaker 1 (24:37):
It's actually Sylvester Stallone.
Speaker 3 (24:39):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (24:40):
That is a random pairing.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
Isn't that shocking? Okay, here's a little background. So Dolly
and Sly first met on a movie set in the eighties.
The movie was Rhinestone, a musical comedy that came out
in nineteen eighty four. In that Dolly plays a country
singer who makes a bet with Sly's character Freddy that
she can turn anyone into a country star in two weeks.
Speaker 2 (24:59):
Wait, I saw this film.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
I haven't seen it, but now I want to go
about the watch this movie.
Speaker 2 (25:03):
Okay, Next one, John Travolta gets his style advice from A.
Lil nas X B. Samuel L. Jackson, C. Barbara Streisan
or D Pitbull. Mister three oh five?
Speaker 3 (25:18):
Oh god, I'm gonna go with b Samuel L.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
Jackson. It is our other bald headed friend. Mister three
oh five Piple was the one who convinced John Travlta
to shave his head in twenty nineteen. Ballet Simona lived
in Miami for a few years, so it's coming out.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
Yeah, my blood. These are actually really hard now that
I'm now that I'm looking at it. So you're doing great, Danielle.
We threw you some hard ones today.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (25:51):
Finally, Bette Midler is homies with which rapper? Is it
A Cardi, B B Nicki Minaj see Snoop Doggie Dog
or d Fitty Cent?
Speaker 4 (26:05):
Well, I feel like Snoop is besties with Martha Stewart,
so I'm going to take him off. I'm gonna say
I'm gonna go with a but honestly, who knows anymore?
Speaker 1 (26:16):
It's actually fifty Cent. Fifty Cent and Bette Midler are friends.
They met through charity work, and Bet has said that
Fiddy has made her life Fiddy Fiji has made her
life worth living, and that they've been through thick and
thin together.
Speaker 3 (26:32):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
Never one of thought I need photo and video evidence
of this. I love this friendship so much.
Speaker 1 (26:40):
Danielle, you have been spectacular. I want to be friends
with you too. I totally understand why Danielle was so clingy.
I'm sorry about her.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
Whoa Clay's a very strong word.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
I'm so sorry she gets that way sometimes. Thank you
so much for joining us for all our bright side
besties out there. Danielle Buyer Jackson is a friendship coach
and host of the Friends Forward podcast, and her debut book,
called Fighting for Our Friendships, is out May seventh.
Speaker 2 (27:05):
Wait, I just Danielle, please tell everyone I'm not clinging.
Speaker 3 (27:10):
We were not clinging at all.
Speaker 4 (27:11):
Like it's like the perfect amount of space and respect.
Speaker 2 (27:16):
I don't believe that was like Coors, Okay, we gotta go.
Speaker 3 (27:20):
Have a great day.
Speaker 2 (27:27):
Why doesn't anyone teach us this stuff? I think I
learned more in that one conversation about how to show
up as a friend and when to let go of
friends than I have in the rest of my thirty
plus years combined.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
It's so true. Couldn't agree more. I Mean, there's so
much wisdom I'm ticking with me from that conversation, so
it's hard to pick just one idea that we want
to leave our bright side besties with. But here's what
we decided on. To be a better friend, you have
to be a brave friend.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
So go out there and be brave.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
And this is not the last time we're asking for
a friend, So send us a note with your trickiest
friendship question, or even better, a voice memo at Hello
at the bright Side podcast dot com.
Speaker 2 (28:10):
Tomorrow, Amanda Montella is joining us. She's an author, linguist
and host of the podcast Sounds like a Cult. She's
dishing on magical overthinking, and she's putting me in simone
to the test on our knowledge of Internet slang.
Speaker 1 (28:27):
Okay, that's it for today's show. We'll be back tomorrow
with your daily dose of sunshine. Listen and subscribe on
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
You can find me simone Voice at simone Voice.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
And you can find me a Danielle Robe at Danielle Robe.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
Ro Ba Y see you tomorrow.
Hello from the bright Side, Hello Sunshine.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Today on the show, we're fueling up on friendship. We're
deep diving with friendship expert and coach Danielle Bayer Jackson.
She's sharing three ways we can strengthen our bonds, the
amazing health benefits we get from sisterhood, and she drops
some major gems on how we can all be a
better friend.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Speaking of friends, Sharon Dion, Rachel and Monica, Hillary and
Ashley Banks. We love a good on screen sisterhood, but
today we're revealing the most unexpected famous friend pairings in
real life. It's a game we're calling homies or don't
know me. It's Tuesday, April second. I'm Simone Boyce.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
I'm Danielle Robe and this is the bright Side from
Hello Sunshine. Tell me what you did last night. We
usually we get to talk on the phone at night,
and I didn't get to talk to you.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
You know what, My weekends, my nights lately have been
very uneventful, and that's okay because I'm busier than ever,
and so I think I'm really enjoying just the normalcy
of those periods.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
M Normal is so underrated, it really is.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
I totally agree how about you.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
My Monday was actually more eventful than usual. Usually I
like to take it easy on Monday and Friday nights.
But I went to dinner with a girlfriend who's about
to be an author. She's coming out with a book
this summer, and so she gave me her proof copy
and I spent the whole night reading it. And then
you know what I did. This is my secret, little
magic moment of joy. I went to get a foot massage.
(01:38):
It's one of those places where there's like twenty beds
and you all get a foot massage in front of
each other and there's.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
A little curtain in between each one. Oh, this doesn't
have a curtain, Okay, so you're just you're out there together.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Oh my god, I carry all my stress in my feet,
my feet in my hands. I was so joyful.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Listen, foot massage sex. I mean it's really tight there.
It's their neck And for me, I told you, are
you the same way? Oh my gosh, a foot massage.
I love getting foot massages. I also will roll up
for like a cheap and dirty foot massage, even at
the nail salon. I'll just stop by soak my feet
in that tub and get I'll be like, twenty dollars
(02:14):
for twenty minutes, hook me up, yes.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
And then I want an extra five minutes after. It's
never enough time. It's never enough time, you know my mom.
I remember when I was a little girl. My mom
used to be like, I think I'm done with heels.
I'm just gonna wear sneakers or your sandals all the time.
And I looked at her and I'm like, you are
giving up. Why would you ever be done with heels.
I'll never be like that. And I am so done
(02:37):
with heels. I can't even tell you. I'm living in sneakers.
This is why I need a foot massage all the time.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
Totally done with heels. I just got a pair of
those Adidas Sambas. That's gonna be my new go to
shoe now. Oh, I like that. When you were talking
about your mom and that memory from growing up, it
reminded me my aunt Monica. She used to pay me
and my cousins a dollar to give her a foot massage.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
That is so familial. There's somebody in every family who
does this.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
Yes, she was such a hustler too. She was such
an entrepreneur, so that made a lot of sense she
would kind of like gamify the foot massage and find
like a business angle to teach us about business and entrepreneurship.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
But that is funny. Yeah, well, I guess we can't
spend the whole episode talking about feet, should we get
into it?
Speaker 1 (03:24):
I did not expect for this to be our foot episode,
but I guess it's a good time as any. Let's
get into it though.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
Okay, we have a funny topic to discuss today, and
it's all over the internet. So Golden Retriever boyfriends and husbands?
Do you have one? Do you want one? TikTok defines
a Golden Retriever boyfriend as someone who is trusting, who
is kind, who's unashamed of his feelings, takes a playful
approach to life, full of positivity, loves PDA, and really
(03:55):
just has the qualities of America's quintessential dog. It gives
me ken from Barbie. I think of Travis Kelcey, Taylor
Swift's boyfriend. They're both giving me Golden Retriever energy.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
Golden Retriever energy. This is such a funny conversation. You know,
for the longest I thought that I was married to
a golden Retriever husband. But I just realized I'm the
golden Retriever in the relationship. What do you mean, I'm
the golden Retriever. I'm the I'm the effervescent, energetic one.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
Because you're the likable one. Is Michael not like it?
Speaker 1 (04:28):
No, don't say that.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
He's very likable, but that's part of it.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
No wait, really, no, I don't want to say that
he is. He's so kind and nice and likable and
gets along with everyone, So don't get me wrong there.
But I'm just the more energetic, bombastic like I've got it.
I'm hyper. I'm like a hyper Golden Retriever puppy.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
You're the happy, go lucky pogo stick.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
Yes, okay, well said, Well said. There's this other phenomenon,
the blackcat girlfriend. Have you heard about this.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Well, that's the usually the person who's married or partnered
with the golden retriever. So like you can only really
have one Golden Retriever in the relationship. The other person
has to kind of take more of a back seat,
is what they're.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
Saying, right, The black eyed girlfriend has to compliment the
other person, so they're a bit more antisocial, calm quiet,
which gets to this age old theory of opposites attracting.
Do you think that that's true.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
I do think that a lot of people partner looking
to complete themselves, so we look for things that we
don't have. It's sort of like this natural instinct. I
usually do partner with my opposite. Is Michael your opposite?
Speaker 1 (05:35):
Yeah? We do contrast each other in a lot of ways.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
There has to be some overlap, like you need similarities
in values. Maybe even like some similar interests would be nice.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
I think it's a contrast in energies that has to
happen right more well, because it's like you said, if
you both have that really hyper Golden Retriever energy, that's
probably going to be a lot and you might drain
each other.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
I don't know were you thinking, because you're the golden Retriever.
So what's Michael?
Speaker 1 (06:05):
He's more, he has more black cat energy. He has
that he has that calm, quiet, level headed energy. Are
you Are you attracted to a Golden Retriever man?
Speaker 2 (06:16):
Not really. I do like somebody who's enthusiastic about life,
but I'm more of a low key person and so
if someone has too much energy, it's just not a
match for me. I was thinking about what I do, Like,
I think I decided I either want a German shepherd
or a labordoodle. And I'm gonna tell you why.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
Yeah, tell me why? Tell me more about that.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
Okay, So German shepherds are large dogs. I don't need
somebody tall. I would like somebody, you know, like I'm
five to one, just taller than me. Wise, that's not
too much task, not too much task. Intelligent. I love
a smart man. They form close bonds with their owners,
and they're hard workers, like they're serve dogs are in
(07:00):
the military. They assist, which I love like a man
of service. Is so beautiful to me.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
I'm just laughing at how seriously you're taking this dog
breed partner conversation.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
Wait, the best part is that they're athletic, and I
was like, yeah, I need somebody who wants to work
out with me.
Speaker 1 (07:17):
Wait, okay, so I have more about that. That's really
funny that you mention it, because there was this hilarious
article in The New Yorker comparing celebrities to dog breeds.
They said that Michael B. Jordan is like a Belgian shepherd,
which is just like a German shepherd, so highly athletic.
They said that Ryan Gosling is an Australian shepherd because
he has gorgeous eye and an ability to follow specific commands.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
So I guess it does what Eva Mendez tells him
to do.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
I guess. And also he's really talented. He has all
these different skill sets. He can sing, he can dance,
he can act. Kevin Hart is a Chiuahua.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
I don't find him nippy like a chihuahua.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
He is a little bit if you see it in
his stand up. Really, yes, that is funny.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
He has that little.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Yippy, yeppie diminutive.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
Think they're just saying because he's kind of small, so
they're calling him a chuaha, which is not fair. I
stand for all the small people.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
I love Kevin Hart so much. He owns it though,
you know, does he really owns it?
Speaker 2 (08:14):
Yeah? He does.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
And then this article compares Killian Murphy to a cat.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
I'm to think, like, who's a poodle, who's a Doberman pincher?
Speaker 1 (08:25):
Yeah, I don't know that. I want that Doberman pincher
energy in my life.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
Yeah, they're like the guard dogs of the late nineteenth century.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Thank you for that. Danielle In our hosting relationship as workwives.
Who has more Golden Retriever energy? Is it you or
is it me?
Speaker 2 (08:43):
I feel like we need the producers to weigh in
on this. We need the paticles.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
What do you think I'm gonna say it's me, just
because I have that everywhere I go.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
I was gonna say it was you too.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
Yeah, I think you're.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
Bouncy, You're fun, You're very fun too, king But I'm
a lot. I know, I think I'm a lot. It's
something that is always in the back of my mind.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
So, you know, all over the internet people say that
if you think you're too much, the other people around
you are too little. I don't think you're too much
at all.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Love. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
Okay, So if I'm the Golden Retriever, then what are you?
Speaker 2 (09:16):
I think that makes me the black cat.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
She's wearing all black today.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
I want to be a labradoodle. Okay, Can I just
be a labradoodle?
Speaker 1 (09:25):
I feel like labradoodles and Golden Retrievers would be best buds.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
I think so they're playful. You know, they like long walks.
I like a walk a day, love a good walk.
My parents always walked after dinner, and now I always
feel like I want a partner that's going to walk with.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
Me a constitutional yes. Yeah, maybe we should instead of
calling them hot girl walks, we should just take ourselves
for a dog walk.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
I can't believe you said that, because one of my
best friends lives six blocks from me. Uh huh, and
sometimes I call her and I say, hey, can you
walk the dog? Being me, I'm the dog because it's
so funny. I can't get out of my apartment, like
I'll just work on my computer all night, and I'm like,
can you please come walk the dog.
Speaker 3 (10:09):
I'm dying.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
I'm dying.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
Okay, besties, we need you to settle this score. Who
has more Golden Retriever energy? Is it Danielle or is
it me? Let us know at hello At the brightsidepodcast dot.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
Com wloofwoof After the Break, friendship expert Danielle Buyer Jackson
is hanging out with us. She's given us her tips
on how to be a better bff.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
Stick with us. Okay, bright Side besties, I am so
excited to introduce you to Asking for a Friend, where
we are gonna be answering your biggest, most burning questions
about friendship, whether that's creating new connections, fostering existing ones,
(10:59):
or navigating conflict.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
Yikes here to help us. Dig In is one of
my favorite you know what, she's not one of MI.
She is my favorite expert in this space. And she's
a fellow. Danielle, Danielle Bayer Jackson is here. She's a
friendship coach and host of the podcast friend Forward. So Danielle, welcome.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Hello.
Speaker 3 (11:18):
I'm so happy to be here.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
We have been talking about you for weeks now. We
have been Our whole office has been so excited to
get you on the show. I think we have plenty
to talk about, plenty of questions for you.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
I didn't know that everybody had so many friend issues.
Oh yeah, no, wonder you have a job. I get it.
Speaker 3 (11:34):
That's right. It pays the bills, I'll tell you that.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
But you weren't always a friendship coach. You started out
as a teacher, so I'm curious as to how you
journeyed into this new title. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (11:45):
So, I actually started out as a high school teacher,
and I was working with seniors and it's the number
one thing they wanted to talk about between classes and
after school was the friendship drama. And then I became
the academic chair, and so the teachers who were in
my department, they were talking about, how can we solve,
you know, all the drama that's getting in the way
of the learning in the classroom. And so after six years,
(12:06):
I left the classroom and I got into public relations.
So suddenly I'm working with these charismatic, high achieving women
and it wasn't long before I realized that they too,
privately had their friendship issues where they weren't feeling seen
and satisfied. So that's why I kind of got curious
about what research was available to help us understand women's connection.
(12:27):
And so for the past six years, I've been leveraging
my background and education to study with the research has
to say about women's connection and conflict.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
Tell me about what friendship means in your life.
Speaker 4 (12:37):
You know, you can't do this work and not have
it directly impact or personal relationships. And I'll tell you this,
I think the way that it's impacted me most is
I think it's made me braver because I'm learning that
a lot of us are scared of rejection. I'm learning
about the benefits and so being equipped with that technical
knowledge makes me bolder in my relationships, to pursue new friends,
(12:59):
to appology, to declare if I want more connection with
existing friends, and so I'm so appreciative to have this
knowledge impact my life in such a personal way.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Danielle knows that I love to nerd out about science,
So can I get nerdy with you about the data here? Okay? Okay, great.
So I want to know more about the health benefits
of female friendship. And also I'm curious if you've come
across any research about at what age do women report
having the most satisfaction in their friendships.
Speaker 4 (13:28):
Well, say this, There are a bunch of benefits, but
a couple that really blow my mind is a lot
of us are familiar with the concept of fight or
flight as responses to stress. Well, they did that study again,
this time with women, and they found that we have
two more responses tend or befriend. Yeah, so when we're
facing distress, we might either go and tend to those
(13:48):
who are more vulnerable and care for them, or go
and gather with other women. It decreases our stress hormone,
increases oxytocin, and so it's quite literally helpful to go
and gab with your girls when you're freaking out. You
know it has these impacts, and having quality relationships overall
just contributes to your longevity and your overall life satisfaction. Now,
(14:09):
in terms of what age where we start to feel
most satisfied, I do know that the research shows that
your social network grows and grows until about the age
of twenty six, at which point it begins to decrease.
But in terms of like a point where you'll feel
fulfilled and happy, I don't know that it's one particular age,
but I do know the more that you commit to
growing and to evolving and you get intentional about your
(14:33):
platonic relationships, I think that's when we'll start to kind
of catch a rhythm and feel a little more confident
about those relationships.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
Okay, so I want to talk about the flip side
of this, which is friendship conflict friendship issues. You have
said that there is one main overarching theme that all
issues revolve around.
Speaker 4 (14:51):
So something that I hear pretty commonly is about are
you as invested as I am? And for women especially,
we really place a lot of emphasis on reciprocity and
mutual prioritization, Meaning I want to feel like if you're
my number one girl. I want to feel like I'm
you see me the same way, and I want to
feel like if I'm pouring in, you're doing as much
as me. And so you know, typically, you know, if
(15:14):
somebody's giving me some kind of grievance about their friendships,
it's somewhere in the realm of.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
A lack of balance and equality in that way.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Oh my gosh, it's me. It's me. You guys, what
do you mean? Which one are you? I'm her, I
would I'm the friend. I'm the friend who thinks about reciprocity.
I get I get bothered if I feel like I'm
investing a lot in a friendship and I'm not getting
a lot back. And I think that can manifest in
a lot of different ways, like if if I'm always
(15:43):
the one reaching out, if I feel like I'm being
really intentional about connecting with you and I'm not getting
that in return, or let's say, if if we schedule
things and you always flake like that's going to be
a big deal for me.
Speaker 3 (15:54):
Yeah, you're You're not alone.
Speaker 4 (15:55):
It's like the number one thing, because you know, none
of us wants to feel foolish for like in this
by ourselves, or that she doesn't care as much, you know.
So I've definitely felt that way about certain friends where
you get suspicious because either you're pouring in maybe like
of your time, of your emotional support. Yeah, you feel like, Okay,
I'm always listening to your stuff, you know, so you're
definitely not alone. And I think reciprocity is something that
(16:18):
we are hungry for for sure.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
Can I ask you a question about that? Is it
really about expectations or reciprocity both.
Speaker 4 (16:27):
It starts with expectations, because the research does show that
women tend to have higher expectations in their close relationships,
both platonic and romantic. But it's only kind of compounded
by the fact that we often don't communicate it because
we feel like we shouldn't have to. I always joked
that if I had a dollar for how many times
women said Danielle, I should not have to say that
I need X y Z. That should be obvious. But
(16:47):
that is a relationship killing myth that your friends just
ought to know. And so if you feel like you
desire more from a friend, whatever that looks like, you
want to be careful to package it more as an
invitation instead of an accusation, Oh that's good, you know.
So instead of like, well you know you don't call me,
maybe it's just like, hey, I know the last couple
of times we went out, I was giving you suggestion
(17:08):
for where I wanted to go.
Speaker 3 (17:09):
But you know, I would love to hear from you
what you want.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
To do, an invitation, not an accusation.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
Can you give us a template for having hard conversations?
Speaker 4 (17:19):
Yes, So I'd first like to say, if you feel
weird about conflict, it might start with the reframe. Depending
on how you were raised or what the culture of
conflict was in your home, you might be very scared.
But I need you to see it as an opportunity
to meet a need.
Speaker 3 (17:34):
So it's a good thing.
Speaker 4 (17:35):
And the research tells us that on the other side
of healthy conflict, people report feeling closer. So hey, it's
a prerequisite to platonic intimacy. So tangibly, it looks like
four steps. One you lead with vulnerability. So you might
open by saying the very reason you're reluctant to have
the conversation. That might look like, Hey, I have something
(17:55):
I wanted to talk to you about, but the last
thing I want is for things to be weird between us.
The second thing is to highlight the impact of her
behavior instead of the behavior. So I might say, hey,
when you share things that I told you, it makes
me feel really uneasy and question you like trustwise, and
I don't like feeling that way, So I'm highlighting the impact. Finally,
I ask questions, and so I might to say, like, hey,
(18:17):
what's going on. Finally, you're going to end by collaborating
on what you're going to do differently moving forward, so
everybody can feel a sense of security and knowing that
next time we'll be better.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
I love that template that you just laid out. It
makes it so easy, especially for me, someone who having
hard conversations doesn't come easily for me.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Well, we're not the only ones that want to learn
from you. We actually had some listener's message and they
have questions for you too. So are you ready for these?
Speaker 3 (18:43):
I'm so ready. Let's do it.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
I feel like a lot of us can relate to
this one. I used to have a friend I was
really close to, but we kept having conversations about how
I felt like I was reaching out more than she was.
I just felt like she wasn't showing up the way
I wanted her to. So I finally asked for space,
and now it's been months of not really top How
do you know if you should revive the friendship or
just let it die, especially if it hasn't had a
(19:06):
proper death signed grieving.
Speaker 4 (19:09):
That's so such a powerful question because I know we've
all been there. If you're trying to figure out whether
or not to rekindle or revive a friendship. The first
reason I like to pose to women to explore that
is if something has changed since the last time you
were friends, because sometimes we get to missing her and
she's familiar and we want her company again because we
love her. But if nothing has changed since the first
(19:30):
time you stepped away, then I would encourage you to
look at that right And also, has enough time pass
where people have gained perspectives, So what's going to be
different this time around? And does everybody have the necessary
data to move forward? So if you still have some
issues that you were upset about, but you plan on
re engaging her without communicating that information, I just don't
(19:51):
see how things would be better the second time around.
Speaker 2 (19:53):
I had a friendship I put to bed one time,
and the question I asked myself, was every time I
call this person or she calls me, do I get
energy or do I feel drained? And if nine out
of ten times I felt drained? You know, because everybody
goes through stuff, so you got to be thoughtful about that.
But if it's if it's all the time, it's just
(20:14):
not for me anymore. And it's tough to put a
friendship to bed. I like that question nine nights. Okay,
not tough for someone, Okay, Danielle, this is my favorite
question of the day. Over the past four years, one
of my closest friends has become increasingly politically active. She's
supporting a candidate whom I strongly disagree with on a
fundamental level. I don't want our political differences to drive
(20:37):
a wedge between us, But at the same time, I'm
finding it increasingly difficult to engage with her without feeling
like this is a values issue. How can I navigate
this situation without jeopardizing our relationship or compromising my own
beliefs signed politically parted?
Speaker 4 (20:54):
Oh, I feel for her, and I know that more
of us were going to experience that in an increasingly
divisive political season.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
I'll say this, it sounds.
Speaker 4 (21:04):
Nice and fluffy to say, you know, well, sometimes we
just agree to disagree and you maintain the friendship.
Speaker 3 (21:09):
And I like that sentiment.
Speaker 1 (21:10):
I do.
Speaker 4 (21:11):
But if you start to realize that the difference is
something where it feels like it's a threat to your
actually said identity or humanity, and your world views are
so different that it feels like you'd be somehow compromising
your sense of self to maintain this friendship, then I
don't think that makes it a superficial reason to withdraw.
So always start by saying, is there a way that
we can set boundaries around certain discussions or behaviors and
(21:33):
still engage in and this friendship still adds some kind
of value to my life. But if you're unable to
contain those differences in that way and it has you
feeling resentful, it has you feeling devalued, unappreciated, unaffirmed, then
I think it's totally valid to want to withdraw from
a friendship like that.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
This is a tough one.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
Do you feel about it? This has actually happened to me.
I've been on the receiving end of a friendship breakup
because of something that I posted and my friend didn't
actually address why she cut off the relationship. She just
basically ghosted ended communications. And it was tough because we
had moved to a new area and they were our
(22:13):
only friends in the area. But in the end, it
revealed a lot more about her than anything else, that
she didn't have the maturity to have the conversation, and
also that she she didn't have room for nuance. And
I hear what you're saying. I do think that today,
in today's day and age, it is becoming increasingly difficult
to have friendships with people who seemingly are really far
(22:36):
apart from us on values. But I also think it's
unrealistic to have a circle of friends where you agree
with everyone on every single thing. I think that's impossible.
Speaker 4 (22:44):
And I'm sorry that happened to you, because that's so
like devastating and jarring, right and hurtful. If you trust
somebody and then they leave, you start to think, gosh, well,
what did this friendship mean to you? And I want
to clarify. I do think we should start with curiosity, Hey,
why do you believe the way you do? And honestly,
a person's more likely to change their mind when they
see new world views from a friend, like somebody in
(23:05):
my intimate circle. That's going to get me thinking about
things differently. But if you do find that you know,
they're saying and doing things that make you feel like, gosh,
you disrespect you know me and the group I belong to?
Do you even see me or respect me? Then those
are the kinds of things that at some point some
might feel like, Okay, this is something I just I
can't sanely maintain.
Speaker 3 (23:24):
But it is tricky. It's tricky all around.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
And I don't know that there's one clear cut answer.
It gave such a beautiful answer, but I really think
it is situationally dependent.
Speaker 2 (23:35):
We're going to take a quick break, but when we
come back, we're putting our guests celebrity friendship knowledge to
the test with a little game we're calling homies or
don't know Me?
Speaker 1 (23:44):
Stick with us, all right. We want to take advantage
of having friendship guru Danielle Bayer Jackson with us today.
So we're gonna play a game where we guess unex
expected celebrity friendships without further ado. Let's get into a
(24:04):
round of homies or don't know Me? You ready, Danielle,
I'm so ready? Yes, here's how this is gonna work.
This is multiple choice, So I'm gonna give you a
few choices and then you have to answer the question.
All right, So first up, who is best friends with
Dolly Parton? Is it A Sylvester Stallone, B, Timothy Shallome, C,
(24:25):
Diane Keaton or d Selena Gomez?
Speaker 3 (24:29):
Oh? Wow, all those shock me. I'm gonna I'm gonna
go with d E.
Speaker 1 (24:37):
It's actually Sylvester Stallone.
Speaker 3 (24:39):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (24:40):
That is a random pairing.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
Isn't that shocking? Okay, here's a little background. So Dolly
and Sly first met on a movie set in the eighties.
The movie was Rhinestone, a musical comedy that came out
in nineteen eighty four. In that Dolly plays a country
singer who makes a bet with Sly's character Freddy that
she can turn anyone into a country star in two weeks.
Speaker 2 (24:59):
Wait, I saw this film.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
I haven't seen it, but now I want to go
about the watch this movie.
Speaker 2 (25:03):
Okay, Next one, John Travolta gets his style advice from A.
Lil nas X B. Samuel L. Jackson, C. Barbara Streisan
or D Pitbull. Mister three oh five?
Speaker 3 (25:18):
Oh god, I'm gonna go with b Samuel L.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
Jackson. It is our other bald headed friend. Mister three
oh five Piple was the one who convinced John Travlta
to shave his head in twenty nineteen. Ballet Simona lived
in Miami for a few years, so it's coming out.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
Yeah, my blood. These are actually really hard now that
I'm now that I'm looking at it. So you're doing great, Danielle.
We threw you some hard ones today.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (25:51):
Finally, Bette Midler is homies with which rapper? Is it
A Cardi, B B Nicki Minaj see Snoop Doggie Dog
or d Fitty Cent?
Speaker 4 (26:05):
Well, I feel like Snoop is besties with Martha Stewart,
so I'm going to take him off. I'm gonna say
I'm gonna go with a but honestly, who knows anymore?
Speaker 1 (26:16):
It's actually fifty Cent. Fifty Cent and Bette Midler are friends.
They met through charity work, and Bet has said that
Fiddy has made her life Fiddy Fiji has made her
life worth living, and that they've been through thick and
thin together.
Speaker 3 (26:32):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
Never one of thought I need photo and video evidence
of this. I love this friendship so much.
Speaker 1 (26:40):
Danielle, you have been spectacular. I want to be friends
with you too. I totally understand why Danielle was so clingy.
I'm sorry about her.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
Whoa Clay's a very strong word.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
I'm so sorry she gets that way sometimes. Thank you
so much for joining us for all our bright side
besties out there. Danielle Buyer Jackson is a friendship coach
and host of the Friends Forward podcast, and her debut book,
called Fighting for Our Friendships, is out May seventh.
Speaker 2 (27:05):
Wait, I just Danielle, please tell everyone I'm not clinging.
Speaker 3 (27:10):
We were not clinging at all.
Speaker 4 (27:11):
Like it's like the perfect amount of space and respect.
Speaker 2 (27:16):
I don't believe that was like Coors, Okay, we gotta go.
Speaker 3 (27:20):
Have a great day.
Speaker 2 (27:27):
Why doesn't anyone teach us this stuff? I think I
learned more in that one conversation about how to show
up as a friend and when to let go of
friends than I have in the rest of my thirty
plus years combined.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
It's so true. Couldn't agree more. I Mean, there's so
much wisdom I'm ticking with me from that conversation, so
it's hard to pick just one idea that we want
to leave our bright side besties with. But here's what
we decided on. To be a better friend, you have
to be a brave friend.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
So go out there and be brave.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
And this is not the last time we're asking for
a friend, So send us a note with your trickiest
friendship question, or even better, a voice memo at Hello
at the bright Side podcast dot com.
Speaker 2 (28:10):
Tomorrow, Amanda Montella is joining us. She's an author, linguist
and host of the podcast Sounds like a Cult. She's
dishing on magical overthinking, and she's putting me in simone
to the test on our knowledge of Internet slang.
Speaker 1 (28:27):
Okay, that's it for today's show. We'll be back tomorrow
with your daily dose of sunshine. Listen and subscribe on
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
You can find me simone Voice at simone Voice.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
And you can find me a Danielle Robe at Danielle Robe.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
Ro Ba Y see you tomorrow.
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